Sleeping Tight

The other night I was watching Ugly Betty at 4 in the morning when I realized that I was watching Ugly Betty at 4 in the morning!! For a moment, I wondered if I had a problem. But I eventually fell asleep at 5 am when According to Jim started. Whoa, a sitcom about a guy, who faces challenges while bringing up 3-4 of his children (I don’t really know, I wasn’t paying attention) and at the same time being a loving and caring husband. Yeah, like we already didn’t have enough family sitcoms!

Anyway, we’re drifting away from the topic. I was talking about my sleeping problem. Well, I guess it’s not really a problem if you sleep till noon. But why is it that I can’t seem to sleep at night!?!? I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. It was just about midnight and she was yawning like the audience watching one of Ram Gopal Verma’s disastrous “horror” flicks. I was like, “Are you sleepy? Who the hell sleeps at midnight?” And she was like, “You know who sleeps at midnight? Normal people!” This made me wonder, was there something actually wrong with me? Or did I just like playing video games and watching movies all night? In the last year or so, I haven’t ever slept before 2 am. Except this one time when I had food poisoning and I thought I was going to die.

According to my calculations, assuming that a person lives up till the average age of 80, and sleeps 8 hours a day, every day, then he ends up sleeping for about 30 years of his life. This means that the person sleeps through almost 38% of his life! Now who would want to sleep for 30 years of their life when they could might as well watch more movies and play more video games in that time?

My Calculations:

                                          

 

                  

My apologies for the bad lighting and the shadows. You see, I’m not really good at photography (I never was).

But sleeping is healthy. It recharges the mind and the body. I watched this movie once called The Machinist. It’s about this guy who just can’t seem to sleep. After about a year without sleep, he starts to think that he’s losing his mind and his perception of reality becomes seriously twisted. After that he goes fucking crazy!

So sleep as much as you can. It’s 2.42 am and I’m not even a bit sleepy. Well, I’m just going to watch a movie or two and try to sleep before my dad’s alarm goes off.

As always,

Maddogg.

Theme Screw-up.

Okay, so I was at my friend’s place the other day. I saw his cool new XP Black theme. I was like, “Man, that looks nice! I want it!”. So now, after a couple of months, I was surfing on the net and found a “100 cool new theme pack” torrent. So I downloaded it. When I applied the theme, this is what happened:

 

My Computer in the 'BlackTheme'. Literally.

 

 

So, my computer was like this for almost 3 days. I couldn’t do anything to change it because, when you change a theme, you have to go to properties from the desktop. Now since my wallpaper was black as well, I couldn’t see the pop-down menu. But somehow, on the third day, I managed to open the Display properties from the Control Panel. Then I pressed Tab a few times to get into the theme selection bar. After that, I took my mouse and started randomly clicking around where I assumed the “Apply” button to be. Found it in about 10 seconds and voila!

24 things people learn from Porn.

 

Everybody knows just how awesome awful porn is. But recently, its just gotten bloody boring for me. I guess there comes a point in a man’s life where every porno you watch is just the same 7-8 people doing it over and over again. Anyway, here are some fun things about Porn:

 1.  Women wear high heels to bed.

 2. Men can always get it up.

 3. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

 4. Women always orgasm when men do.

 5. All orgasms are real(*wink wink*).

 6. A quickie in the car will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

 7. All women are noisy fucks.

 8. People in the 70s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

 9. Those tits are real(*wink wink*).

 10. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they climax.

 11. In case of a threesome, they “high five” each other (and the girl isn’t disgusted!).

 12. Threesomes make women smile.

 13. Asian men don’t exist. But Asian chicks sure do.

 14. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t beat the shit out of you if you join his girlfriend and him.

 15. There’s a plot.

 16. When doing a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

 17. Nurses always have sex with their patients.

 18. Men always pull out “just in time”.

 19. When your girlfriend busts you doing it with her best friend,she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

 20. Women never have headaches.

 21.Pizza delivery guys always get laid.

 22. Teachers are the horniest living beings on Earth.

 23. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a dick there.

 24. Men NEVER have to beg.

New Theme.

Since most of you people were bitching about how the other theme hurts your retinas, I thought about changing the theme. This one seems better Iguess. Looks all bright and all….

10 Ways to put the “Fun” back in “Funerals”

Have you been to a funeral and wished how you were back home watching Saturday Morning Cartoons? Were you so bored at a funeral that you stared at your Uncles unshaven beard? Well, gone are the days of boredom at funerals. Here are a few ways how you could actually put the “fun” back in “funerals”

WARNING: I do not recommend you actually do all this stuff. Hence, it is not my responsibility if you get screwed when you do this. Its just have I don’t have much to do these days.So, here we go:

1] When everyone’s silent, get up from your seat and say,”Screw this, I’m going to a strip club. Who wants to come?”

2] Give High 5’s to the people that do follow.

3] When everyone’s crying, shout,”Damn you (name of the dead person), damn you! You gave me Aids you sonoffabitch!”

4] Hit random people in the back of their heads and blame the person standing next to you.

5] Make funny noises and blame the person standing next to you.

6] Run around naked and steal people’s hats.

7] Sing Bob Marley’s “No woman,No cry” loudly.

8] Go to the funeral dressed like a ninja and throw your numb-chucks around at people.

9] Get drunk and go to the funeral and then puke on everyone.

10] Tell ‘knock-knock’ jokes at the funeral. Such as, “knock knock”,”who’s there”,”dead man”,”deadman who?”,”……….”

Well, that’s about it I guess. I mean there were more but these are like the “top 10″. Feel free to add on.

Happy Funeraling( As if that’s a word).

Much Love,
Maddogg.

How To Make Prank Calls.

Well, after reading the title you will probably say that you know how to make Prank calls( I mean we all have done this atleast once in our lives, and for those who haven’t, try it out its real fun!). I’m writing this to let you guys explore the many possibilities in which you could make a prank call some poor fool and have a little fun with it.

Why prank call a person? For some it might come out of pure boredom. But I feel that some people flat out deserve every fucking bit of it. For instance that tough kid from your class who’s giving you a hard time( wedgies hurt like hell, I know), or anyone who  you just can’t stand. I don’t like prank calling people just cause ” They’re  Ugly” or “They’re a dork”, only prank call people who deserve it, and if you want to laugh your ass off as you wake them up in the early hours of the night.

Starting with:

1] Silly Stuff:

I don’t really like silly prank calls. They’re childish and don’t really serve your purpose. For instance, calling someone and giggling on the phone, screaming and then hanging up, or any dumb shit you can think of. Avoid wasting your time with these, as you can easily get pinned most often.

2] Scared?

Isn’t  it nice to have someone live in fear of you? Like if the victim has a baby, you can call and say,” Have you checked on the baby? You better hurry up! or some thing bad might happen….”. Or you could call someone and tell them that you can see them and you’re gonna come cover in a while and have some “fun”.

This is my personal favorite:

Them: “Hello”?

You: “Hello. I’m (whatever name you can think of) from ‘A’ & ‘B’ Industries, and we’d like to confirm your order of (whatever, usually sex toys or Playboys.) that you ordered in last week.

Them: “I did not!”

You: State their (name, address, phone number, etc, extra points if you know their credit card numbers) and the order has already gone through and will reach their home in four to six weeks from now.

Them: WTF!?!?!?

Use a calm, composed tone while doing this. You giggle and then your fun is over. Also, insist that they ordered it. Its a lotta fun. Trust me.

3] For parents whose kids are trouble makers:

For parents whose kids are real hell-raisers, call up and say that you’re Officer (whatever, use a real cop name) and say that their son/daughter has been picked on the charges of ( Tresspassing, Indecent Exposure, Prostitution, Posession of Drugs etc.) and they’d like for the adult to come get the child. Really disrupts a household.

4] Other things to do:

Well, if you REALLY dislike somebody, call up some tele marketing agency and order something useless (like a Kitchen knives and forks set, or some work out machine thingy, and other things.) This pisses people off, especially when you do it several times a week.

When you prank call, have some freakin’ balls. Don’t just call up and scream,”FUCK YOU!!” and hang up. What you SHOULD do is call up, scream,”FUCK YOU!!” and wait for them to answer….They usually hang up, which is a real pity. When they threaten to call the police, remember that this takes time. In this time, have fun!

That’s about it, or that’s all that I can think of at this point of time. Remember, if anyone asks, you don’t know where you got this information from.

Much love,
Maddogg.

The Chronicles of Maddogg and the Credit Card Salesman made of butter.

Well, before you read this, lemme tell ya’ll that this is “inspired” from a comic strip I read long ago, I don’t remember which one. So, if you bitches wanna sue my fat plagiaristic ass for that, then bring it on! I have my lawyer on speed dial. \m/

Okay, so this afternoon I was in the kitchen making a sandwich. I was almost done. Just then, a credit card salesman, from no where walked into the kitchen.

“May I interest you in buying a credit card from our company. It gives you many benefits such as lifetime guarantee for…blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah.”

Just then, I noticed that this salesman was no ordinary salesman. His body was made out of butter. Yes. Butter! It was as if he was covered with butter from top to bottom. The Butter dripped down from his body as he was talking to me. This was scary. I had never seen anything lie this.

I said,”what….who the hell are you?”.

“I’m a salesman, umm….you must have noticed I’m made of butter…..erm…you see there was an accident when I was a kid, but that’s another story, can I interest you in applying for a credit card? Its completely free, I just need your documents and you need to sign here, here and here, oh yeah and here”,he said.

I shouted,” noooo!…no one’s selling me any credit cards!!!”.

I knew it was time. I pulled open a drawer and beneath all the spoons and forks, I found the shotgun I had hidden there in case of an emergency. I pulled it out.

*click click* I loaded it.

The salesman looked at me. He fell to the floor, and begged for mercy,” Please have mercy!”

I looked him in the eyes and said,” God has mercy………I don’t.” And then, *plow!* *plow!* I blew his buttered up ass into pieces. As I did that butter flew all across the kitchen. There was butter on the walls, on the floor, on the gas, everywhere!

“…….and that’s why the kitchen is covered all over with butter.” I said to my Mum.

” Are you sure you just don’t know how to make a sandwich?”,Mum said annoyingly.

P.S: I can totally make a sandwich……NOT!

I’m baaacckkk…

Guess who’s back?
Back again………..
Maddogg’s back…..
Tell a friend……

guess who’s back?
guess who’s back?
guess who’s back?
guess who’s back?

Okay, now for the 7-8 people who read this piece of shit called The Dogghouse( and 7-8 people is clearly an overstatement, trust me.), I apologize for not posting regularly as I had a huge problem. I had absolutely no internet for 5 days! The thing was that my internet account was taking a long time to get activated. A certain someone had to go down to the internet office with their shotgun to sort things out( *wink wink*).

You know, I never really thought that it would be so hard to spend a few days without the internet. I was like,” A few days without internet?, that shouldn’t be so hard right?”. Guess what? I was wrong. These few days without the internet made me think,” What the hell did I do before I had internet?”. You see, many of my daily activities were dependent on the internet. For example, I had no idea what was going on in the outside world as I couldn’t check the news on the internet. I couldn’t read the latest football gossips, I missed my “online friends”, I couldn’t download the latest episodes of the shows that I watch so regularly. I also missed the online gaming that used to take up most of my time.

So, I found myself at home in the afternoon, with nothing to do. I couldn’t sleep all the time could I? So I tried to read a book. But I realized that I have really bad short term memory. So by the time I was half way, I had forgotten most of the earlier shit. Then I was watching some TV. Afternoon TV is really boring. Nothing but the sad-ass family dramas and shit. The Ellen Degeneres show wasn’t bad( she’s not that good a dancer she thinks she is). But I did catch up on some movies that I had missed, like ‘You, Me and Dupree’ and ‘Norbit’ and more.

Anyway, I leave you with a very interesting picture I found the other day. A special prize for someone who spots what’s wrong in the pic.

Hint: Check out the fifth last thing on the menu on your left side.

Let Me Eat.

“I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”

- Rodney Dangerfield.

Who’s Rodney Dangerfield??. I have no idea. Well, I never saw myself as “fat” ( Ahem…I still don’t). But recently, everyone’s been saying,”dude, you should join a gym, lose some weight.”, and other shit. I have no words to tell you how much this pisses me off. They tell me this and in my mind I’m going,” yeah, right…fuck you! Why the hell can’t you mind your own Goddamn buisness!”.

A few months ago, I was at McDonald’s with a friend of mine after class. Now this guy was one of those “vegetarians”…*shrugs*. Anyway, just before getting into the line, he asks me,”dude, what you gonna have?”,” A McChicken with extra cheese and a Coke.”,I said. He says,” You should have a salad or something, you know?, something that’s a little…….low-fat.” I gave him the stink-eye..(yeah I was pretty good at this, a computer teacher from school used to give this stink-eye to me all the time. That bitch!). So, I gave him the stink-eye and I said,”dude salad?….I mean what the fuck is a salad?, who the hell eats a salad, man? Do I look like a chick to you?, have I magically grown some tits?!?” He looked down at my outburst like he had given up. So he got himself a salad and I got myself a nice McChicken with extra cheese and a Coke, just the way I like it. We sat down to eat, and he put a lot ketchup and all kinds of things in it and it ended up looking disgusting and more “fatter” than my McChicken with extra cheese.

Okay, so the moral of the story is, never tell me to lose weight or join a gym. You do that and I will punch you in the nose. Its not that I’m lazy, but its just about time I realized that hard work is totally overrated, isn’t it?. So I hope everone’s learnt their lesson, just let me eat!

The Beginning….

Well, since this is just the beginning I think that I should be as uncontroversial as I can( We don’t wanna be sued again do we?). To start things off, I’m Maddogg. This is my picture. Yes, I’m a Ninja working for a secret organization whose name I cannot take. If you ever see this face, I suggest you run as fast as you can.

Besides that, I have just completed my 12th grade. I’ve finished giving my entrance exams and now I’m free as a bird. I just wish that I’d have studied harder. I spent most of post-board vacations eating, sleeping and drinking. Not to forget the late nights I spent at my trusty laptop,  playing online multiplayer games. The results are due in about 15-20 days so I plan to have as much fun as I can till then.

I’ve always wanted to have a blog of my own, not only to express my views but to be as funny and sarcastic as I can. I also plan on making this the most entertaining blog in the blog-universe. That’s about it I guess.

Much Thanks,

Maddogg.

P.S: I have just watched Desperado for the 19th time.